Jokes
ANECDOTS YOU NEED TO JAZZ UP THE ATMOSPHERE
Reporter: "Brzinlatowskieczinina is the name of the guy who was struck by lightning."
City Editor: "What was his name before he was struck?"
"Is it true that you can play checkers every week with your neighbor's dog?"
"Yep."
"Wow! That must be a very smart dog!"
"Naw. I beat him three out of four."
A man was telling his neighbor that he and his wife has discovered a new way of making love: back to back.
"That would be well-nigh impossible, wouldn't it?"
"Oh, we have another couple in to help us.", he explained.
"So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?"
"Yes. Their dog is our dog's brother."
"Waiter!" shouted the impatient diner. "Do I have to sit here and starved all night?"
"No, sir, we close at nine o'clock."
A man visited a fortuneteller and sat down in front of her crystal ball.
"I see you are the father of two children." she said.
"That's what you think," the man replied. "I'm the father of three children."
The fortuneteller smiled and said, "That's what you think."
In a bar, a young bachelor told an older man that he was looking or a girl to marry.
The latter smiled.
"Fortunately," he said, " I have a daughter of marriageable age. She has eyes like a doe, lips like rose-buds, ears like coral shells, a neck like a swan and voice like a nightingale. She'd be ideal for you."
"I'm not sure," replied the bachelor, "she doesn't seem human."
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.".
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay." said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
The little boy caught by his teacher saying a most unsuitable word.
"Jeffrey," she said, "you shouldn't use that word. Where did you hear it?"
"My daddy said it." the child responded.
"Well, that doesn't matter," the teacher explained. "You don't even know what it means."
"I do too," Jeffrey corrected. "It means that the car won't start."
One day Billy was very late for class.
"What happened?" asked the teacher.
"I was attacked by a mugger."
"Oh, my! Did he take anything from you?"
"My homework."
"Defendant, did the burglary take place the way the prosecuting attorney described it?"
"No, it didn't, but his plan isn't bad either."
"Last week a grain of sand got into my wife's eye, and she had to go to the doctor," the married man told his friend.
"It cost me $50."
"That's nothing," his friend replied.
"Last week a cocktail dress got into my wife's eye, and it cost me $150."
One afternoon my four-year-old son and I were discussing how family members are related to each other.
I explained that I was his mother and he was my son.
Then I asked him if he knew what relation I would be to his children.
Without hesitation he replied, "Baby-sitter?".
A policeman stopped a motorist on a highway.
"You were doing 45 miles an hour in a 35-mile zone!" the trooper announced as he wrote out a ticket.
The motorist smiled meekly. "Do you think you could make that read 75 miles an hour in a 50-mile zone?" he asked the officer.
"I'm trying to sell the car."
As the high-school students entered the classroom, one accidentally tripped and pushed another.
The student who was pushed was of medium build and wore glasses. He didn't look a bit aggressive.
So I was surprised to hear him say, "Watch it buddy. You may not believe it, but I know jujitsu, karate, ...".
As he turned to confront the six-foot, two-hundred-pound boy who had bumped into him, he trailed off with, "... and two or three other Japanese words.".
Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand.
Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, "Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand.".
"Good." my dad quickly answered. "Wash it again!"
Said the psychiatrist to his patient, "You're cured. You don't have to come back.".
"Too bad." said the patient. "Yesterday I was George Washington. Now I'm nobody."
We were leaving a football game in a throng of people, and my husband, who never displays affection in public, took my hand.
I was delighted.
As we walked hand in hand out of the stadium, I looked up at him, smiling, and asked, "You don't want to lose me?".
"No." he said. "I don't want to look for you."
Because my grandmother mislays her keys, I bought her a key tag beeps in response to certain sounds. She decided on the word "Mama".
During one of my visits, a neighbor took me aside and suggested I might have to pay more attention to the elderly lady.
Yesterday, he said, he had seen her roaming through her house, calling for her mother and looking for her in drawers and closets.
A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the den.
Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence.
The girl looked at her father and said, "It was Mom.".
"How do you know?"
"She didn't say anything."
At 2 A.M., Mrs. Culkin was convinced that she heard a prowler in the living room.
"Tiptoe downstairs," she told her husband.
"Don't turn on the lights. Sneak up on him before he knows what's happening."
Dutifully Mr. Culkin put on his robe.
Just as he reached the bedroom door, his wife added, "And when you come back, bring me a glass of milk."
When the famous movie star sat down in a hotel lobby, an obnoxious man started heckling him.
The actor ignored the insults, but two female fans were unable to.
They not only gave the loudmouth a tongue-lashing, but actually started to hit him until he fled the scene.
The star thanked the women for their support and asked one, "Did you actually slap that man with this dainty little hand?".
"Yes." she answered. And the actor gallantly kissed her hand.
He then turned to the other woman, who quickly stated "I bit him.".
"My neighbor's mad because my dog knows how to fetch the evening paper."
"Why would that make your neighbor angry?"
"I don't subscribe to the paper."
"Did you really see my client bite off his neighbor's nose?" asked defending counsel.
"Well, I didn't actually see him bite it off," admitted the witness, "but I saw him spit it out!"
There are these two old men who sit in their chairs in the park, and they just sit in the same place every day.
There are also these two little old ladies with nothing better to do than parade past the old guys.
Every day they put on different dresses, try new make-up, fix their hair, do everything they can to get a rise out of the old codgers.
But the guys don't flinch, they just sit there.
One day, one of the little old ladies gets an idea.
"I'm gonna streak 'em! That's what I'm gonna do! I'm gonna streak those two old coots! I'll get a rise out of 'em if it's the last thing I do!"
So she takes off all of her clothes and goes running stark naked in front of the two old guys.
One guy says to the other "Well, what's she got on today?".
The other guy answers "I'm not sure, but it certainly needs ironing!".
The traveler was sneaking a half-gallon bottle across the Mexican border when a U.S. Customs official searched him.
Upon discovering the bottle, the official asked the man what it contained.
"It's just holy water." the traveler replied. "I took it from the shrine I visited."
Doubting him, the inspector opened the bottle and took a sniff. "This is tequila!" he shouted.
"Good heavens!" cried the traveler, looking up to the sky. "Yet another miracle!"
Priest: "Now, Paddy, I shall pray for you to forgive O'Toole for hitting you on the head with that bottle."
Paddy: "Don't bother, Father, wait till I come out of here and then you can pray for O'Toole."
Gerry was sitting down to breakfast one morning when he was astounded to see in the paper an announcement of his own death.
He at once rang up his neighbor.
"Hello, Suleman!" he said. "Have you seen the announcement of my death in the paper?"
"Yes." replied Suleman. "Very sorry, but where are you speaking from?"
A rooster was strutting around the henhouse one Easter morning and came across a nest of eggs dyed every color of the rainbow.
The rooster took one look at the colorful display, ran outside and beat the heck out of the resident peacock.
A friend of mine who was willed an expensive fur coat by a relative wore it proudly to church.
While there, one man asked her "And what unfortunate creature had to die in order for you to wear that coat?".
Glaring at him, she responded "My aunt.".
"I had a hard time as a kid" one man told another.
"My father's farm had 200 cows, and every day my two brothers and I had to divvy up the milking."
"Good heavens!" the other exclaimed. "That must have been a huge job for just three boys."
"Well, it drove us crazy until Dad bought another hundred head." the first man said.
"How did that help anything?"
"Shucks, any fool can divide 300 by three."
"All the kids make fun of me." the boy cried to his mother. "They say I have a big head."
"Don't listen to them." his mother consoled.
"You have a beautiful head. Now stop crying and go to the store for ten pounds of potatoes."
"Where's the shopping bag?"
"I haven't one. Use your hat."
"Ours is a good restaurant," said the manager.
"If you order an egg, you get the freshest egg in the world. If you order hot coffee, you get the hottest coffee in the world, and ..."
"I believe you," the customer said "I ordered a small steak."
When Frank returned home from playing golf with Fred, his wife asked "Why don't you play with Ernie anymore?"
"Would you play with someone who swears when he misses the hole, cheats with the score, throws his clubs and moves the ball?" asked Frank.
"I suppose I wouldn't." she replied.
"Neither will Ernie."